Monday, April 1, 2013

New definitions

A list of creative definitions that are supposedly the winners of a contest in The Washington Post has been circulating—apparently for years—on email.  The contest asks entrants to come up with a new way to define existing words. While there is little evidence that such a competition actually exists, some of the alleged entries are bizarre enough to bear repeating, especially in a blog as disoriented as this one. To wit: 

Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled to find how much weight one has gained. 

Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. 

Willy-nilly, adj.  Impotent. 

Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. 

Ventricle, n. Leakage from an air-conditioner grill. 

Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash. 

Crepuscular, adj. Oozing from a thin pancake. 

Tempestuous, adj. Constantly annoyed by part-time workers.

Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Pokemon, n. A Jamaican proctologist.

New definitions are not unusual for the Bard of Buffalo Bayou.  Every time he spews out a word, it means something different.

            A proctologist I’ll call Doctor Janus
            Had a patient whose conduct was heinous, 
                        As the doc checked his rear, 
                        He’d recite from Shakespeare--
            What a pain in the Coriolanus!

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