Slanted Definitions

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Some years ago, when I was on a national tour of the musical Mame starring Juliet Prowse, I published a weekly newspaper for the company called The Mame Bugle. It was usually two sides of an 8-1/2x14-inch sheet, which I composed on a portable electronic typewriter and had a printed at various local copy shops along the way. Our company numbered 55-60 actors, musicians, technicians, dressers, chaperones, tutors, infants, a road manager, and, for a brief period, a dog.

The newspaper’s contents consisted of articles on each of the 23 cities where we played, a recap of the previous week’s attendance, info on the following week’s hotels, personal news in a column called “Tour Tidbits,” games in which readers were to guess the identity of company members from clues given, crossword puzzles, word games, poetry, bad jokes, and the “Everyone-Noticed-You” column, which awarded a prize for the most egregious aberration in performance.

I was abetted in this journalistic endeavor by an actor named Neil Badders, who wrote much of the copy, and we also solicited contributions from company members.

This was a submission from our star, the late and much lamented Juliet Prowse:

“Slanted Definitions”

Bacteria – Lunchroom for chiropractors

Filly – Nonfenfical or ridiculouf

Gladiator – How the lion felt after consuming the Christian

Melanesia – Loss of memory in cantaloupes

Ragamuffin – Something to eat at a Ravi Shankar concert

Worcester – Even worse than worst

The Bard of Buffalo Bayou is a native of Worcester, as readers of his verse are quick to note.

                                   

                                    Miss Juliet Prowse

                                    Was taking her bows

                                    After a Mame matinee.

                                    When along came a spider,

                                    Who sat down beside her

                                    And said he had just seen the play.

                                   

                                    Then he got analytic,

                                    Said he was a critic,

                                    And began to attack and deride her.

                                    So Miss Prowse took her shoe

                                    And did just what I’d do—

                                    And that was the end of the spider.