Monday, November 8, 2010

How’s That Again?

A headline over a recent “Dear Abby” column in a newspaper whose copyeditors should know better proclaimed the plight of a troubled young woman thus:

            TEEN LONGS FOR BABY TO FILL HOLE

My first thought, naturally, was what sort of hole would be suitably filled by a baby? Is it a hole in the ground, or in a wall, or maybe on a golf course?  What size and shape should the baby be?  Would the baby go into the hole head or feet first, or possibly lengthwise?  Would the baby provide a permanent filling to the hole, or would this be merely a stopgap solution?

You can imagine my surprise when I read the letter from “Lovesick” and discovered that the “hole” was apparently metaphorical and referred to a void in Lovesick’s life after her boyfriend left her. 

The unintentionally comical headline, a sort of double entendre sometimes known as a “crash blossom” (for reasons an entire blog was needed to explain last December), is an occupational hazard of newspaper copyeditors, who are rushed to convey the gist of a news article in a prescribed space on a tight deadline while a news editor yells at them, “Where’s that 2-column head for page three?”  It’s a wonder there aren’t more crash blossoms, but there are plenty, such as:

            SHERIFF PROBED BY PROSECUTOR

            2 FOOT DOCTORS JOIN HOSPITAL STAFF

            COPS PLEASED BY BIG HEROINE BUST

            ACID RAIN LINKED TO EMISSIONS BY WHITE HOUSE AIDE

            MAN KILLS HIMSELF, THEN SETS CAR ON FIRE

And now a few embellishments to the above headlines by the Bard of Buffalo Bayou:

            TEEN WHO THINKS BABY
            CAN FILL HOLE SOUNDS NUTTY—
            SHE MIGHT HAVE MORE LUCK
            IF SHE TRIED SOME PUTTY!
           
            SHERIFF PROBED BY LAWYER
            SAYS HE IS SORE!
            2 FOOT DOCTORS
            CAN’T REACH THE DOOR!
           
            BIG HEROINE BUST
            FINDS COPS AT THEIR PEAKS!
            NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS
            TRACED TO WHITE HOUSE LEAKS!

            CHARGES STILL PENDING
            AGAINST THE DEAD MAN
            WHO DID HIMSELF IN,
            THEN TORCHED HIS SEDAN!

No comments:

Post a Comment