Bar None

I get lots of supposedly funny emails, most of which are not, and some of which threaten me ominously with dire consequences if I don’t forward them to at least ten more people.  I never pass them on, and dire consequences have indeed befallen me.  Many of these emails are about people who walk into a bar, and I now share with you now a few that tickled my funny bone (which is adjacent to the humerus).  Now, perhaps no more dire consequences will plague me.

            A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says, “I’ll have a beer, and one for the road."

            A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "You’d better not start anything."

            A C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."  So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.

            Two peanuts walk into a bar.  One is a salted.

            A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

            A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Is this is a joke?”

            A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

The Bard of Buffalo Bayou walks into a bar every chance he gets, but he doesn’t joke about it.  Instead, he versifies:

            A florist walked into a bar,

            And said, “I’ll have two Buds.”

            A laundress who was with him said,

            “Just pour me up some suds.”

            “On second thought,” the laundress said,

            “Make that a cup of Cheer.”

            And then an undertaker said,

            “I think I’ll have a bier.”           

            An optician walked into the bar

            And said, “I’d like two glasses.”

            A fisherman then said, “I want

            Some ale—make that two Basses.”

            A milkman walked into the bar,

            And said, “I’ll take a quart.”

            A sailor right behind him said,

            “I’m really into port.”

            A cotton farmer in the bar

            Remarked, “I need a gin.”

            A census-taker then came in

            And asked for Mickey Finn.

            A contortionist squeezed in

            And called out, “Bottom’s up!”

            Omar Khayyam came in then

            And wrote, “Come fill the cup.”

            A gunman walked into the bar

            And said, “I’ll take a shot.”

            A realtor scanned the drink list and

            Declared, “I’ll have the lot.”